You say you need time, time to figure out if you want to be with me or not. Time to figure out your stuff, your life. Time to figure out if you can get past everything that happened. I’ve been going over and over everything you said that day and all the other days. Part of me doesn’t believe in hope anymore, that part gave up on hope a very long time ago. The other part of me wants to believe you, to believe that you are really just taking time to figure things out and that you’ll see that I am who you want. I don’t know which way to go. If I have hope and you never come back, I’ve wasted all that time believing something that really wasn’t true and I wonder what the damage will cause to me. If I wait, if you do come back then it would have been worth it. It might would be easier to just start talking to someone, look for someone to fill the void of you; but I know better. I know exactly what will happen, I would waste a lot of time meeting man after man and finding fault with everyone because they’re not you and you are the one I want. So maybe that really wouldn’t be the easiest thing to do after all.
Instead I’m going to live my life, love my life and love myself. Forget about searching for someone. Forget about finding someone to talk to, someone to make me happy. I’ll make myself happy. Get myself back to how I was before you even came long, even better place than that. If you come back, you come back and I’ll have to decide if that’s what I want then. If you don’t come back, you don’t come back and that just means you were not the one for me. Either way I’ll be a better person, a happier me and when that right one for me does come around it’ll be good. It’ll be very good.
October 23,2015 officially a divorced woman, a 41 year old divorced woman. This was not the plan for my life, but as it seems we don’t always have control over the things that happen to us. I knew it would happen and I often wondered how I would feel when I received those papers. Would I cry, hurt all over again or feel a sense of relief. Actually I didn’t feel anything, in my mind I was already divorced. Did I want the divorce, no, but he made his choice and it wasn’t me. Anger is what helped me to move on. All that time after we separated I was never angry, just heartbroken. Finally, after realizing he was lying about wanting the marriage to work and still being with his girlfriend, that’s when the anger came. That anger consumed me, it filled me with so much rage. Yes, I know anger is not good for you. We should forgive and being angry only hurts ourselves not the other person. Even knowing that I am so thankful for that anger. That anger moved me forward and that anger replaced the hurt. Anger can be a good thing, it was a wonderful thing for me. Am I still angry? No, not anymore. It took a while, when you are consumed with so much rage it doesn’t go away overnight. I moved on. Once I was done with the anger I prayed to God to help me to let go of it. I did hold on to it a little longer than I should, it just felt so good.
It has been such a long time since I have written anything, so much has changed and a few things have remained the same. Looking back on the past year and half after my husband said he wanted out, was very tough for me. I constantly prayed that God would change his mind, put love in his heart for me again, and to give him that desire for his family to be together again. Isn’t that what God wanted to? I always believed that God hates divorce, that divorce is not His will. I believed that God would restore this family, that we would be whole again even better than we were ever before. There were even a few times when that seemed to be possible. Hindsight 20/20 it all looked and felt like a great big tease. He was confused between his girlfriend and me and our girls. He couldn’t make up his mind, then he would decide me then change his mind again. Then finally he chose me, he actually wanted us together again, our girls to have their home and family back. He loved me again, until I found out he was still with his girlfriend and he had never ended it with her. Just imagine getting a phone call from her to tell me, “Oh, dear he doesn’t love you, he just doesn’t want to go broke from having to pay you child and spousal support. It’s me he really wants” Such a tease. ___________________________________
Looking back, which I have a bad habit of that; I should of blogged when it all started to change. Thank goodness there were a few days here and there that I could actually function enough to write in my journal. It seemed just existing was hard enough.
How do you let go of almost 20 years together. Where do you put all the memories, the good ones, the bad ones and yes even the best ones. Where do you store them so they’ll never come back to haunt you again? More importantly, how do you break up a family? We always told each other we would do whatever it took to prevent our girls from having to experience their parents divorcing. We were both from a broken home so we knew the struggles our children would have to face if we ever divorced. How could we, no that’s not right, how could one of us forget all of that?
It was the day we took our oldest daughter who was a junior at the time to visit a college an hour and half away. That morning started off rough and only got worse as the day went on. What was a day just for our daughter became the end of our 19 year marriage. Later that evening at home, he said those words that changed everything “I want out I just don’t know how to tell you”. Looks like he just did.